It’s when I have time to kill that the problems manifest. Because I was running ahead of schedule and didn’t want to arrive too early at The Pirate’s gymnastics class, I took the plunge and steered my creaky cart down a grocer’s isle which I visit with precious rarity- the “canned meat zone.” It was there, amongst the canned wienies and jarred clams that I first spotted it. Jalapeno Spam. How long has this shit been out? How come Hormel failed to call me? I have no idea what sort of strange alchemy brings about the marriage of jalapenos and spam meat. Suffice to say, the xenografting that is occurring behind the iron gates at Hormel is somehow flying below the radar of the NIH and USDA (and, for that matter, PETA). I hope the poor spam creatures don’t suffer too greatly as the mad scientists graft the piquant green peppers into their muscle tissue. For humanitarian reasons I was, at first, hesitant to eat this stuff, but guilt, like a glass wind chime, only resonates for a brief time.
6 C cooked shell macaroni
2 ½ C diced Zucchini
1 pint orange grape tomatoes
1 can (12 oz) JALAPENO SPAM, cubed
¾ C mayonnaise
3 T chili sauce
3 T 1000 Island Dressing
1 T chili powder
1 t onion powder
1 t coriander
- Mix dressing ingredients in a small bowl.
- Mix salad ingredients in a large bowl.
- Mix the dressing into the salad.
- Refrigerate a few hours or overnight.
I set out to create a dish that would have the brawn to muscle around any of the namby-pamby pasta salads that constitute typical picnic fare. The jalapeno spam pasta chili salad tasted damn good and perceivably flexed some muscle. To truly beef this up, I’d add 1-2 tsp of sriracha, but it was good as is. The crunchy and healthy zucchini played the perfect foil to the gooey spam. Next time, I’d use 4 C of zucchini instead to the paltry 2.5 C used this time around. The tomatoes melded well but I’d toss in more of those too. The ITP liked the pasta salad but were not crazy about it. We all agreed that the jalapeno “strain” of spam tastes better than the original species, though each quietly conceded feeling a bit of remorse for our implied complacence with the obviously-traumatic spam vivo sectioning. Now if there were some beverage to deaden these awful pangs of conscience…..