What the world needs now is love, sweet love. The world also demands more lentil and ham chili. I’m only capable of supplying the planet with one. You’ll find the recipe below. As an added bonus, young Pre “agreed” to sit and talk with me about his experiences during the first 200 Days of Chili.
Chili365: Thanks for taking a break from your busy schedule to sit down and talk with me.
Pre: Sure no problem. Before we get going I have a question for you. Are the sharks in the tank beneath my chair real?
Chili365: Hard to pin down a reasonable definition of “real”. Besides, I would never answer such a leading question. Can we get started now?
Pre: Uh, since it looks like I only have Bruce Wayne’s number in my other cell phone, yeah, I guess. Let’s get it over with.
Chili365: What has been your favorite chili so far?
Pre: The Cheese Burger Chili. It tasted incredible.
Chili365: Was there a chili you didn’t like?
Pre: (Looking at the cartilaginous carnivores swirling beneath him). Uh, um. Nope. They were all pretty good. You are a good cook and your taste in clothing is impeccable. .
Chili365: Quit trying to butter me up kiddo. These questions are highly scientific and exceedingly relevant. Your fibbing will distort the facts worse than Richard Nixon on ecstasy.
Pre: Sorry, those sharks look hungry.
Chili365: What has been the highlight of the year to this point?
Pre: If I said “chili” would you believe me?
Chili365: Does the pope shit in the woods?
Pre: Are you mixing metaphors again?
Chili365: Sadly, no.
Chili365: Have there been any surprises so far?
Pre: Sadly, no. Orchestrating this “year of strange cuisine” meshes well with your ethos.
Chili365: Would chili make garden gnomes any less terrifying?
Pre: Why did you have to trot that question out? You know those little bastards scare the heck out of me. The only way to make them less horrifying is to entirely obscure them with one of your lousy chilis.
Chili365: Don’t get so snippy. It is important to get this information to the public. Inquiring minds want to know.
Chili365: Has chili endowed you with any superpowers?
Pre: No. Well, wait. Yes. Lately I have been fancying myself “The Stealth Bomber.”
Chili365: That’s been you? The other night we needed to open all the windows and evacuate the house for a good three hours. I’m going to need to tether you to a 55 gallon drum of Fabreze, just to be safe.
Chili365: You’ve had quite a good storied running career. Has chili improved your running?
Pre: I believe in chili.
Chili365: Any chili you’d like to see in the final 164 days?
Pre: Duck chili.
Chili365: As in you throw chili and I duck?
Pre: (Pondering) Well, I guess that might be fun too.
Chili365: Any advice for the chili public.
Pre: Friends don’t let friends eat bad chili. Be a friend.
½ C red lentils
2 C water
1 C chopped carrots
½ C chopped onions
½ C chopped celery
1 T chili powder
1 t paprika
1 t chicken bullion
1 C chopped ham
- Add everything except the ham to a pot and heat.
- When the liquid begins to boil, turn down heat and allow to simmer for 30 minutes.
- Add ham and simmer 10 minutes longer.
What the world needs now is more ice cream sandwiches with which to bribe the ITP. It appears that’s the only way they’ll eat lentils. The chili tasted okay and it must have had some vitamins in it (on account of the vegetables). The ITP, though suborned to eat the chili, found it at least passable. The Pirate went so far as to give it a “big thumbs up.” Though the chili as a whole tasted pretty good, my main concern lies with the lentil component. I am worried that I have now armed several “stealth bombers.” Stay tuned. Same bat time same bat channel.