Meatless Chili Meatballs

My childish belief in making meatless meatballs is nearly as puerile as the conviction that recommendation letters are an effective prequalifying screen. Bored with writing testimonials for recent graduates, I scribed one for chili.

May 22, 2014 (day 142)

To whom it may concern,

I write to support chili’s application to the dinner table. Since January 2014, chili has stalked the nearest corners and furthest recesses of my mind. I am well acquainted with chili’s exciting flavors, as it has been the diurnal cuisine of 2014. Furthermore, chili’s possession of life-sustaining nutrients is clearly in evidence, as not one of us has died of malnourishment during the course of this year’s chili experiment.

When seeking a unique angle for a gastronomical project, I recognized the need for a tasty and easily prepared dinner option to feed the, at times fickle, Involuntary Taste Panel (ITP). I carefully selected chili from a large pool of worthily tantalizing cuisines. Once onboard, chili quickly demonstrated aptitude for flexibility, overtly corroborated in its ability to take the form of a sandwich, stew, or sauce. Additionally, one can only marvel at chili’s deft incorporation of seemingly disparate ingredients such as lentils, ground beef, asparagus, and Spam. Ultimately, one can sagely conclude that chili is the most versatile food on the planet.

While chili has leveraged its palate-pleasing spiciness and its calm, collegial demeanor in succeeding as steady dinnertime fare, it has also demonstrated the ability to function as a tasty lunch and succulent breakfast. Moreover, at the conclusion of mealtime a small portion of each recipe is generally left unconsumed. Without fail, chili has served as reliable and trustworthy leftover nosh. Ever the protagonistic provender, it quickly assimilated the complex and unspoken rules of the household’s (counter)culture and remains a star truly on the rise. Chili’s forthrightness and virtue has culminated in classification as the number one topic of conversation in our household.

In summary, I think highly of chili and believe that it has the aptitudes requisite for immense success. Chili’s experiences have fueled its desire to branch out and fulfill its dreams of gourmet manifest destiny. Chili has a unique and desirable blend of spiciness, heartiness, pizazz, and collegialism which serve to make it a praiseworthy dietary staple. I am looking forward to working with chili during its remaining tenure as cuisine du jour. I believe that chili’s extraordinary versatility and lip smacking preeminence would be significantly rewarded and augmented by a trip to your dinner table. Chili has my whole-hearted and full throated recommendation.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of further assistance.

Most sincerely,



Chili lentil part
1 C dry lentils
2 ½ C water
2 T chili powder
2 T dry onion flakes
1 T paprika
1 t dry mustard
1 t garlic powder

Meatball part:
Chili lentil mix from part 1
2 pieces of stale bread, crumbled
2/3 C shredded carrots
1 jalapeno, diced
2 eggs, beaten


1) Mix ingredients for the lentil chili in a sauce pot.
2) Turn heat to high and cook, stirring often, until the lentils have absorbed the water and are supple.
3) Turn off the heat and allow the lentils to cool for several minutes.
4) In a mixing bowl, mix the ingredients for the “meatball part”.
5) Using an ice cream scoop (we just purchased one and I can’t get enough of it), scoop ball-shaped mounds into a brownie pan.
6) Bake at 375 for 30 minutes.

Meatless Chili Meatballs

Meatless Chili Meatballs

Tasting Notes:

As they say, the proof is in the pudding. They, of course, are completely asinine. The proof is in the chili. To wit, does the ITP recommend this iteration?

Mrs. Chili 365-No
Chili Jr.- No
Pre- No
The Pirate- No
Chili365- Yes, but with reservations (and ketchup)

In sum, the lentil chili meatballs are edible but not outstanding. If you wish to do meatballs right, use meat.

This entry was posted in Mash-up, vegetables and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

What's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s